Bless Your Heart

I'm a Southerner, and "bless your heart" is my all-time favorite insult, hands down. There are some other doozies as well, like "oh, honey," "how nice for you," and "thanks for sharing." I saw on some blog once that a non-native speaker was really confused about how those those types of phrases could be insults. On paper, well, them seem so nice. Southerners know what makes these insults has to do with one's demeanor, and how a drawl can add just the right inflection to turn sugar into vinegar. 

I draw your attention to Southernism insults as a counterpoint to the kind of filth that surfaces on internet comment feeds. Consider the comment feed explosion that followed a recipe for this super cute tie-dyed rainbow cake. It all started with a simple question about how long one should freeze the batter, and quickly snowballed into snark, profanity, and ill-conceived political sparring. 

I wonder about the people who post such comments. I doubt they are all nasty people. They probably have friends, and family members who love them. They may even have been sitting at work, answering the phone saying, "Good morning. How can I help you?" while simultaneously engaging in conversations like this this super  tame example from the rainbow cake comment apocalypse:

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Let me clarify that the point of this post is NOT how to nicely insult people. It's about this week's good behavior challenge of using positive words. We spend an inordinate amount of time exposed to the rampant use of negative words. Internet trolls, crass bumper stickers, politicians acting uncivilly, celebrities behaving badly, etc. And just like my discussion of the negativity bias and the hedonistic treadmill, exposure to negative language affects how we behave, how we communicate, and how we build relationships. When we use negative language, we're more likely to view the world through negative Nelly lenses, which can hamper our motivation, and affect our overall health and well-being. 

The health effects of using positive language are long lasting. According to studies by Harvard professor Laura Kubzansky, 7-year-old children who have a positive outlook and use positive words have better general health and fewer illnesses in their 30s. Using positive words is just a nice thing to do. It bolsters other people, can increase our chances for professional advancement, and reduce conflict.  

How do we turn around the negativity? In the picture above, I only kind of tongue-in-cheek suggest checking out a thesaurus. Knowing antonyms to recurring negative words in your speech may help you reframe things. For example, let's pretend you say "dumb" a lot. Your boss is dumb because s/he gave you a deadline. Your husband is dumb for thinking that you want pizza for dinner when you told him that you're going paleo again...  starting today. Your town is dumb for doing road work in front of your house. Let's see what Merriam Webster can do for us: 

Near Antonyms to dumb
ingenious, resourceful; acute, astute, discerning, insightful, keen, knowing, perceptive, percipient, perspicacious, sagacious, sage, sapient, savvy, wise; cerebral, erudite, highbrow, intellectual, knowledgeable, learned, literate, scholarly, thinking, well-read; educated, informed, schooled, skilled, trained; crafty, cunning, foxy, shrewd, wily; judicious, prudent, sane, sensible, sound; logical, rational, reasonable, valid
Antonyms to dumb
apt, brainy, bright, brilliant, clever, fast, hyperintelligent, intelligent, keen, nimble, quick, quick-witted, sharp, sharp-witted, smart, supersmart, ultrasmart

Turning around the negativity, we get:

• My boss is perceptive that time is of the essence with this deal, so she gave me a deadline.
•  My husband's choice for drive-thru pizza is reasonable, considering we don't have time to make it to the grocery store tonight before the PTA meeting.
• The City Council's decision to do road work is prudent since that pothole swallowed the neighbor's MINI Cooper last week.

Nobody is dumb, and suddenly you feel just a little bit better about your deadline, the indigestion you'll have later, and the jackhammer at 7am. Win win. 

Of course, positive language isn't going to come overnight, but here are 5 baby steps you can start today:

1. Proofread what you write. If there are opportunities to turn some negative words upside down, go for it.
2. Make a downer jar. This is kind of like a swear jar, only not for explicatives (see my caveat below). When you catch yourself saying something negative, put in a quarter. Figure out something good to do with the money after a pre-determined set of time,  just make sure it's not a reward for you. Use it to buy a curmudgeon a cup of coffee, to tip a server after you see them skillfully deal with a nasty customer, or buy a small gift for an exasperated parent dealing with a public toddler meltdown. 
3. Post a positive vocabulary list next to your bathroom mirror, and check it out at least twice a day.
4. Subscribe to a website that sends you a positive quote each day, or buy a desk calendar. 
5. Mind your "buts," which are often just a thinly guised NO. Practice suggesting positive alternatives.

No matter what you do, your efforts are good, my friend. I'm positive.

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[A caveat: I'm not saying to refrain from cussing if slam your finger in a door. Some research even suggests that cursing lessens our neurological response to pain. But yelling #%&$@! at an inanimate object and choosing to berate someone over a cake recipe are kinda apples and oranges. ]