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9/29/2015

Stars aligned

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As a Virgo, I should be organized. Home organization should be my predestined astrological zen. 

But it's not. I'm a failed Virgo. I love to think about organization, but I'm not so good at the follow-through. It seems virtually impossible for me to finish an organization project at home. I get really really really close, and then I lose interest. Need proof? Come on over and check out my halfway organized gift wrap. My kinda-sorta organized craft supplies. My loosely arranged pantry. My mostly empty shoe organization boxes. The list could go on and on. 

Even with all my failures, however, I still spend a lot of time thinking about organization systems. You could even describe me as a weirdo who has thinking about organization as a hobby. I could put a bookshelf over there. Some cubbies would be awesome here. What I really need is a binder to corral all of this stuff (self-disclosure... I may or may not have a binder problem). That's what goes on in my head when I have downtime alone. Riveting, I know. 

I allow myself to traipse along those mental passages for a while, and then I tend to go to the other extreme: screw it - get rid of everything! The mood switch usually happens because organizing is messy business. You have to drag everything out before you can put it all away. And in the midst of the dragging everything out, this is what happens to me: 

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9/22/2015

Give a little bit

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[Warning: This post will make you think of the F-word. A lot. PG-13 up in here, folks!]

There's an interesting cultural conversation going on right now about whether it's better to "give a f**k" or to "not give a f**k." The don't-givers argue that caring is constraining. They say that when we worry about what others think of us, we allow ourselves to be limited. Their premise is that by not giving a f**k, the don't-givers assume power, strength and confidence. That's not to say that the don't-givers are selfish or egotistical - they just aren't willing to accept mainstream definitions of how they should act and what they should do. They want to be their own people - to do what they want to do in their own way. They want to be like Rhett to Scarlett -  not only do they not give a f**k, they don't give a damn about what you think either. 

The do-givers in this conversation say that the don't-givers are cold. They fault the don't-givers for stifling emotion, and for feeding cultural stereotypes that do-givers are too invested, too irrational, too conforming, too messy in their caring. The do-givers want to show the world that they're paying attention, and they tend to make sense of everything through more conventional channels. Whereas a don't-giver would dismiss a jerk spouting demeaning stuff at work as simply a jerk, a do-giver would dwell on the scenario, analyze it, break it down, acknowledge how it made him/her feel, and then try to figure out how to fix it.

Or at least that's what the tropes and memes tell us. I don't buy it.

The don't-giver and the do-giver are one and the same. Both/and. Also/as well. Flip sides of the same coin. I'm a don't-giver and a do-giver. You are too. It's the only way that we could ever survive. The world is too big, our social interactions are too great, the seconds in our day too immense for us to be either a don't-giver or a do-giver all the time. Let's break it down with an example: 
  • Running late for work. Cat knocks over the plant for the 18,000th time. Don't-giver
  • Daughter asks for more time with mommy at preschool drop-off. Do-giver
  • Telemarketer hangs up on me at work. Don't-giver
  • Friend calls to ask for a favor. Do-giver
  • Look in the mirror and fixate on some imperfection, then decide to shrug it off. Don't-giver
You get the picture. Flip-flopping between don't-giving and do-giving happens a gazillion times a day. Everyone does it. No one is discretely in the don't-giver or do-giver category. We all selectively choose what we care about and what we allow to get under our skin, and we probably don't even do it consciously. Even the most ardent don't-givers aren't fortresses of cool all the time.

So here's the good lesson o' the day. You don't have to be a "hippy dippy" (as someone described me last week - in that moment, I chose to be a don't-giver!) to make the world a better place. Even if you're a don't-giver 98% of the time, make your 2% of do-giver moments really count for something. Only you know what tugs at your heart strings. The truth is, we're all just human. Perfectly flawed and perfectly insecure, and yet, perfectly capable of doing good things. And if we all just gave 2%, imagine how much good that would be.

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9/17/2015

Keeping busy

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I've been sick this week, and I haven't paid much attention to writing. Sorry about that. In fact, I haven't done much more than a whole lot of couch sitting and binge watching Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries (oh, Season 3... why did you have to be so short?!). Since there's nothing really new with me, I thought I would just write a quick FYI post to let you all know of some good stuff I've been working on lately with some of the best folks imaginable (well, before the nasty virus did me in at least). These projects are very much currently in the works, but I'm sure you'll hear more about them soon. Consider this a teaser.

First, I wanna talk about Syrian refugees. I've written about this a couple of times already... about how my world went all wonky when I read about Aylan Kurdi's death. Turns out, I'm not alone. As I sat reeling, I got a Facebook message from another friend/mama who was doing the same. I logged onto the White House website to sign a petition for resettling Syrian refugees, and as soon as I clicked "send," I got a call from another friend/mama who was also grieving and reaching out. We decided to "do something." In fact, that's what my Facebook event invitation was titled, "Do Something for Syrian Refugees."  Since I created that event, more than twenty people have hosted two meetings and created a Facebook Group (Rocktown Rallies). The Facebook group has 123 members, and the good folks in it are currently planning three events, fundraising efforts, hands-on activities, and public awareness initiatives. If you're local to Harrisonburg, we would love for you to be involved. We're having another meeting on Monday at 6pm. If you live somewhere else, we would love for you to "do something" too. All is takes is the willingness to throw your interest out there. People will help. There are always helpers. 
#rocktownrallies #rallyforrefugees

Second, I've been helping to plan a TED-x inspired event for Harrisonburg. The event titled Ideas 2 Inspire will be held at Court Square Theater on October 20th. It will feature local folks telling local stories that will be inspirational and uplifting. The group of great organizers hopes that the people who attend will hear positive messages, feel energized and rejuvenated, and make connections with other like-minded folks who want our community to be a better place. If you live in the Shenandoah Valley, please put this one on your calendar, and plan to come out for the event. Tickets are $10 each, and can be purchased online (here). We would also love it if you could print up a flyer and post it somewhere around town. We know you know people - help us reach them! 
#valleyi2i

That's it right now... just a little snippet of the good I'm trying to do. I'd love to hear about the good things you're up to, 'cause I know they're awesome. Holla back with #do-goodery. 

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9/11/2015

Remembrance and good deeds

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The tragedy of 9/11 was fourteen years ago today. I, like most Americans who were of adult-ish age on that day, can remember how events unfolded with almost hyper-realistic clarity. One of my most crystal clear recollections actually originated three days later, when I first noticed a commercial airplane fly overhead once more. I was standing on the sidewalk outside of the Last Resort Café in Athens, Georgia, waiting to celebrate my 25th birthday. I felt oddly suspended in time, simultaneously grounded in collective mourning and adrift in a world turned upside down. 

It is easy to think of 9/11 and dwell on horror and sadness. But I think it's better to think of the human triumphs. Countless stories abound of good samaritans; selfless emergency workers; dedicated and exhausted medical professionals; generous neighbors; and kind strangers. 

And while 9/11 made visible such goodness as a kind of therapy for our hurting human spirits, good deeds are not actually uncommon. Whether the precipitating force is a large-scale tragedy like 9/11 or a run-of-the-mill bad day scenario like a flat tire, the simple truth is that people help people every day. We just don't always hear much about it. 

I'm glad that the legacy of 9/11 has turned into a day of service. In fact, September 11th is the largest annual day of charitable engagement in the United States. Each year, more than 40 million Americans observe September 11th by doing good deeds for other people. We all know that the world is better when we help each other, and a national day of service is a great way to help the good grow. You can even make aGood Deed pledge for 9/11, share it with your friends, and encourage other people to make pledges as well. I'm going to a potluck tonight where I pledge to help plan a local response to the Syrian humanitarian crisis. What good are you going to do? I'd love to hear all about it (#do-goodery).

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9/10/2015

Dealing with bad news

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I was completely thrown for a loop last week when I inadvertently scrolled past the image of Aylan Kurdi's tiny body on Facebook. Aylan was trying to flee Syria with his parents and 5-year-old brother on a boat. Both children drowned. As a citizen of the world, the facts surrounding their death are tragic enough. But as a parent, I was devastated. 

I can't handle bad news. 

I know that darkness exists. I know that every moment of every day, someone is crying in anguish, pain and/or grief. I know this. But when I casually see violence... when despair is treated like a soundbite on TV... when I scroll past tragedy like just another headline in my newsfeed... I can't handle it. Fight or flight kicks in. The trifecta of stress hormones - adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine - flood my senses. I get derailed. I find myself overwhelmed. I grow despondent. And that doesn't help anyone.

I know that I am not capable of changing the world on a large scale. While I can daydream about being a billionaire with the means to provide all asylum-seekers with safe and humane refuge, I know that in reality the best I can do is two things: One, I can do actual, concrete things to help Syrian refugees. I can invite my friends to help me. You can too. 

(In fact, I did invite my friends. We're having our second meeting tomorrow night. It's been therapeutic to come together with other compassionate people to talk about how we might make the world a little bit better). 

Second, I can practice self-care so that I stay focused on doing good things in my corner of the world. Sometimes when days seem really dark, it is easy to forget how humanity works. We are not isolated individuals traveling the world alone. We are actually interconnected nodes in a network that spans the globe. What I do and say impacts other people, and the ripple emanating from me continues on down the line. It's up to me to figure out whether my ripples will be helpful and good, or negative and toxic. It's up to you too.

I'll end this note with a practical tip that I think will be enormously helpful for my mental clarity and focus. If you're like me, you may appreciate it too. I downloaded a Chrome extension call FB Purity. It lets users customize their Facebook page to get rid of things like the Trending section. It also allows users to set up filters to screen out words and phrases of their choosing. My banned list includes a lot of things that people might label as "triggers," plus some politically polarized soundbites, and words that I just don't think are polite. Now my feed looks like a wonderful world full of puppies, apple cider recipes, and babies covered in chocolate frosting. I know that's not what the real world is like, but it's a lot easier to stay focused on doing good things when I'm not constantly sucker-punched by grief. 

Share the news of good deeds, my friends. The world needs a lot of light so that we can see each other's humanity clearly. 

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9/3/2015

Doing good for the neighborhood

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Last night I went to a meeting for the Harrisonbug Women's Service League (HWSL), a local civic organization dedicated to meeting the needs of women, children, and families in the Harrisonburg-Rockingham County area. The group follows an academic meeting schedule, and last night was the first meeting of the year. It was wonderful to see so many women show up, excited about working together to make a difference in our local community.

I mention HWSL not because I'm a new member (I've been a member since 2006), nor because our initiatives are singularly remarkable (we're not reinventing the wheel with supply drives and volunteer hours). But what does make HWSL remarkable is its spirit, and members' commitment to uplift our community by uplifting everyone else. We recognize that it doesn't always take moving mountains to make a difference. Sometimes all that is needed is for someone to stand up and say, "we'll help." That's what HWSL does - we help, in any way we can. 

Luckily, HWSL is not alone. Across the country, in every community, there are organizations just like us. There are organizations filled with people willing to help. There are additionally scores more people who are willing to help, but who don't know about available organizations that can direct their energies and talents. So what I'm asking for you to do is to share a little info. If you know of an organization doing good things, tell people about it, just like I'm doing right now. If you know of people who seem particularly inclined and capable of making a difference, encourage them. Help them get connected. If you hear of events sponsored by community organizations, go to them. If you're asked to buy a potted plant to support a local charity, buy it. These small actions are so important to build momentum on the do-goodery train. We all can play a role in making a difference.

And if you're a woman over the age of 18 in the Harrisonburg-Rockingham County, Virginia area, I'd love to invite you to attend an HWSL meeting. We meet the first Wednesday of the month at 6pm. Just holla. We'd love to have you.


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9/1/2015

Bathroom haven and havoc

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One of the six tenets of good that I like to talk about is good living. My basic premise is that if we make our homes to be our havens, then we'll be prone to do more good in the world. Feng shui practitioners tell us that how we order our homes can enhance our destiny and opportunity prospects. Minimalists and tiny home advocates talk about the value of regaining control over our possessions and space. Folks who study happiness tell us that having sentimental objects in our homes, returning rooms to "ready" state, and cultivating an environment that encourages home-grown experiences can all play big roles in our happiness. 

No matter how we slice it, how our homes look and function matter. 

That said, I'm not here to weigh in on a McMansion versus tiny house debate. I'm merely advocating for doing what you gotta do to make the rooms you find yourself in be your happy places. And since I read a lot of DIY/home decorating blogs, I see how well some people pull that off. 

I'm not one of those people. To start, my budget for any room re-do is about $0. Okay, maybe a little bit more, but still pretty close to nada. Nothing. Zilch. Second, I'm not so great at photographing DIY tutorials. I may remember to take pictures while a project is in progress, but don't hold your breath. Last, I am genetically incapable (that's my story and I'm sticking to it) of finishing a home project from start to finish in a quasi-reasonable amount of time. 

Ahem. I promised in The Good Letter two weeks ago that my bathroom remodel would be done by September 1st. So, last night (August 31st, for those of you without a calendar), I realized I needed to get on the ball. We started the remodel last July, when Mike bought me a pedestal sink as an anniversary gift. A month or two later, we finally got around to ripping out the old vanity, pictured below. 
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It was nice enough, but also, it kinda sucked. The sink and faucet were bronze, which means they stained. Every toothpaste droplet was forever memorialized. It was impossible to clean under all that scroll work on the bottom. The drawers were about 6 inches deep, and never fit quite right. And, although you can't tell from this photo, the previous owners did not paint the wall on the right side of the vanity, which was clear-as-day-obvious whenever I sat on the toilet. 

After we ripped out the vanity, we put it on the front porch, intending to find it a new home. The vanity stayed on the front porch through fall, where it held mums. And on through Christmas,  
when I covered the top with fake snow and decorated it with a ceramic snowman. We finally unloaded it onto someone in early spring. (See... genetically incapable of finishing a home project in a timely manner. And to think you doubted me.)

Well, as I said earlier, I took control of the situation last night, and I finished painting the bathroom. It's a beautiful dark gray color. I stepped back to admire my work, picked up the gallon paint can to put the lid on it, and BAM. This happened.

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I guess the universe was telling me I needed to scrub the floor. Cleaning this mess was a pain, but it's all good now. I'm certainly glad the splatter missed the curtains. Definitely minor miracle territory there. 

The plan for the rest of the week is to hang stuff back up, scrub everything down, and soak in the satisfaction of taking AFTER  photos. I'll share them with The Good Letter readers on Friday. (To get your copy of the newsletter, just click here.) Until then, keep on feathering your nests, friends. Please share your triumphs with me. We all love a little home decorating voyeurism, right? 

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