good & gracious co.
  • Home
  • About
  • Blog
  • Podcasts
  • Play Along
  • Printables
  • Goodery
    • good dirt
    • good living
    • good behavior
    • good news
    • good times
    • do-goodery
  • Store

1/25/2016

Yelling Away

0 Comments

Read Now
 
I yelled at the kiddo the other day. It was an epic TWO-HOUR battle over eating, and I reached my I-can't-say-eat-your-food-one-more-time-without-screaming point. I immediately felt terrible and the kiddo's tears took a long time to subside. Not my best mommying moment. Even though we both eventually calmed down, I was still faced with the knowledge that screaming didn't solve the underlying problem. It never does. 

I needed a better strategy. I needed to divine a plan. I needed to think about better, non-screaming contingencies ahead of time. After turning to my friend Google for some "help my 4-year-old won't eat" soul-searching, I felt gratified when I stumbled across research from Harvard psychologists that supported my instinct to be proactive. The researchers write about the want/should conflict. With regard to my dilemma, when in the heat of a dinnertime battle, what I may want to do is scream like the boiling mommy teapot that I am, whereas what I should do is something a tad more positive (I'll get to that). According to the author of the A Kind Parent blog, the key to making optimal should choices rather than suboptimal want choices is to plan ahead. 

Sounds easy, right? So how do we actually plan ahead in a way that will cool us down when kid antics make things get heated? Lucky for all us feeling the mommy guilt, I came up with an quick and easy worksheet to help us work through the process. Check it out, and click on the image to download! 
Picture
 Step One. Identify the problem. Think about what you're doing, not just your child's shenanigans. For me, I too often allow mealtime routines to slide. I let the kiddo focus on things other than food, and then I go from 0 to 60 in my frustration level when food doesn't make it to her mouth. For her part, the kiddo is easily distracted. She will do ANYTHING other than eat if we let her. 

Step Two. Figure out what you've tried before to deal with the issue, and think about why it hasn't worked. My past strategies: well, saying "eat your food" a million gazillion times. And some other things too... but mostly "eat your food. Eat.Your.Food. OMG IT'S BEEN TWO HOURS EATYOURFOOD EATYOURFOOD!!!!!!!!"
Step Three. Google That Sh*t. I view the internet as an amazing crowdsourcing resource when it comes to parenting. I'm not saying that everyone is right, but there are a lot of people out there spilling ink on how to raise kids, and reading a variety of viewpoints is kind of like a brainstorming sesh with you at the helm. 

Step Four. After you read all the tubes, write down the ideas that stick out to you as ones that seem pretty good. It's even better if people who support the idea write about it in actual publications, and not just in the comments under GIFS of toddlers gorging/bathing in spaghetti. For my problem, the solutions that stand out are meal routines and fixed expectations. 

Step Five. Look around. Is anyone else responsible for raising children with you? If so, politely ask them to do steps 1-4.

Step Six. Talk to your parenting partner. 

Step Seven. Listen to your gut. What do you think is a workable solution for you and your fam? 

Step Eight. Come up with your plan. Be specific. What are you going to do the next time your kid has their finger on the detonator button?
This is what we came up with to avert future mealtime crises - we will eat our food at the dining room table. The kiddo has to at least try all of her food. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to finish it as long as she gave trying it a good faith effort.  When we finish our food, we set a timer for 15 minutes. We then accompany the kiddo at the table for those 15 minutes. If she feels full before eating all of her food, she can tell us that and ask to be excused. If there is still food on her plate when the 15 minutes is over, we clear the table. At any point in the evening, if she says that she's hungry, she can have her leftover dinner food back. Dessert is a sometime treat when A) it's available; and B) we think she did a good job of focusing on eating her dinner.

Step Nine. Come up with your contingency for what to do if the plan doesn't work. For my part, if my dinner plan starts falling apart at the seams, I'm going to walk away. I'm not going to say "eat your dinner" again. She'll eat when she's hungry. My job is to make food available and accessible, not to nag her. Of course, my plan isn't set in stone forever and ever. The second part of my contingency plan is to be flexible. Revisit and revise until we find a happy dinnertime equilibrium. 

Step Ten. Pat yourself on the back for being awesome. Parenting isn't always a win. It's trial and error, and occasionally stumbling on something that works. The key to being a great parent is putting forth effort, and if you're trying to take steps toward more positive parenting, then you're doing an A+ job already. Keep it up, and keep this worksheet handy. True, this is based on a n of 1, but let me tell you... for the last week this kid has been ROCKING mealtime. And we are loving eating together again. 

Share

0 Comments

1/25/2016

Lotsa Good, Little Effort

0 Comments

Read Now
 
I came down with a cold last week, and then a nasty virus hit the kiddo like a ton of bricks the day after she had nightmares about bad germs with pointy noses and scary teeth. Bad timing. Let's hope she comes out of this feeling like she slayed some dragons by confronting her fears (fingers crossed). 

These illnesses got me to thinking about how rough it is this time of year, with all of the hacking, sneezing, coughing, and snot. So. Much. Snot. It's easy to want to curl up in a ball and forget about doing good things because we all feel like mud. Luckily, however, we live in the era of slacktivism, and there is actually a ton of good that you can do without ever leaving the comfort of your La-Z-Boy. Here's a run-down of very little effort good things you can do while you Netflix binge and blow your nose.
  • Pay homage to Alan Rickman and help make a difference in the refugee crisis
  • Download the Be My Eyes app and help a blind person navigate through a live video connection
  • Play FreeRice and donate rice through the World Food Programme to help end hunger
  • Take a selfie and use Donate a Photo to raise money for your charity of choice
  • Download the Instead app or the I Can Do Without app, and donate the coinage you would have spent on coffee or lunch out to help a charity. 
These ideas are the tip of the iceberg - dig into the depths of Google and see what else you can come up with. I'd love to hear about what you find! And in the meantime, stay hydrated and get plenty of rest. We need you well so that we can change the world for the better!

Share

0 Comments

1/18/2016

Marking Time, Making Light

0 Comments

Read Now
 
Picture
A while back, I said that I was on a quest to use what I have or kick the excess stuff to the curb. My last project was my lace doily table runner (See left. And, now that I mention it, I should totally put it back on the table). I'm still stoked at how the runner turned out, and I love that it honors the hard work of one of my foremothers. It's been six-ish months since the last project, and I still have plenty of stuff that I can repurpose or ditch. I decided to turn my eyes on a sad and forlorn torn paper lamp shade, and to snazzy it up with something out of my "too much stuff" files. 

Picture
Here's the Before picture. I present a pretty standard lamp with a plain paper shade. I've had the lamp for years, I don't remember where I got it, and there's nothing special about it. But, it is functional, so there's that. I keep the lamp in Emme's playroom (not pictured - the white door leads to the bathroom. The lamp happened to be there at the moment that I thought, "Oh wait! I should have a Before picture!") You might think that because I kept a lamp with a paper shade in a child's playroom that I was just asking for the shade to be torn... true, but not because of any circumstances relating to the kiddo. 

I tore the shade. 
That tear right there is what a paper shade looks like after you stick a vacuum cleaner attachment through it. FYI, in case you were wondering. So, now to talk about what I used to fix my oopsie. (Another aside... ripping a paper lamp shade off is kinda gratifying. If you have one lying around and want to do this project, wait until you get really frustrated with something, and then have at it). Some time ago, I started collecting linen calendars. No reason why, but I have always found them to be quaint and homey and cozy and comfy. I have many, many calendars, but here are the three that I chose for this project. 
Picture
From L to R, there's 1958 (which says on it, by the way, that 2+2=1958 - and they complain about "new" math!), 1973, and 1982. As serendipity would have it, the length of each of these towels is the EXACT circumference of the metal innards of my lampshade. If there was ever a craft that was meant to be, this is it! 

Since I was already down for the count with a cold virus that won't quit, the kiddo and I nestled into the couch for some quality sewing time (she was pretending to sew a new dress for Barbie to wear to her dance performance - so adorable!). Sewing the new shade by hand took a few hours, to be sure, but I think the final product is definitely worth it. I think the new shade is quaint and homey and cozy and comfy. And the best part? It is totally impenetrable to the vacuum cleaner!

Ta-da!

Picture
(Any ideas on what to do with all of the other linen calendars? Send them my way!)

Share

0 Comments

1/11/2016

Darkness has a hunger

0 Comments

Read Now
 
Today I thought that I would be writing about one of my Feathered Nest projects, but sometimes we go down roads that we don't expect at all. That was my yesterday. I spent the day straightening up the house, puttering around, moving stuff from here to there. I made a yummy soup, my mom came over for lunch, then the kiddo had her biffles over for a playdate. The girls got tired of us saying "no" to every one of their attempts at a game that involved A) throwing balls in the house; B) shining the laser pointer in our eyes; and C) blockading doorways with piles of toys. Without too long, they grabbed armfuls of assorted balls and headed outside. I vacuumed the playroom (futile attempt - goldfish crackers were soon ground back into the carpet) and did some dishes so that I could keep an eye on them in the backyard.

After a few minutes, I decided that I was done with dishpan hands. I took a break and scrolled through Facebook, only to find a very disturbing post from an old college friend. I won't go into the details of what happened over the course of the next nerve-wracking and stomach-sinking hour and a half, but I will let you know that he is currently and thankfully okay. 

I was thinking about my friend this morning as I turned on my car CD player. The CD that was queued up was a "mix tape" made for me by my BFF in 2007. It's been a long time since I listened to that particular CD, and I didn't really remember which songs she thought to include. Soon, I heard the familiar sound of the oldie-but-goodie Indigo Girls song "Closer to Fine," one of my favorite songs in the whole wide world. I usually belt it out at top volume while smirking at the thought of breaking through chains gripped by a self-absorbed academic with a beard down to his knees (I may have spent a tad too long in grad school...).  This morning, though, something else stood out.

The line, "darkness has a hunger that's insatiable, and lightness has a call that's hard to hear" came at me like thunder. I talk a lot about how doing good things makes a difference, and how every little bit of good creates a ripple effect that leaves everyone better off. While I firmly ascribe to that truth, I also realize how very quietly good can speak. Frequently, people describe living with a mental illness as a constant struggle with darkness. The darkness seems all-encompassing, hungry, and unrelenting. Darkness also sounds deafening. The volume of mental illness isn't measured in decibels, but rather in displacement. The power behind the voices in darkness is in their ability to block out, silence, and displace what is good. Lightness has a call that's hard to hear.

Those who find themselves gripped by the darkness are traveling roads that are often traumatically arduous. It can be difficult to visualize how to help, how to lighten loads, and how to illuminate lights at the end of tunnels. But know this... each one of us can help to amplify light. We can be supportive to any and everyone who struggles in the darkness by staying focused on the good. Each one of us routinely interacts with people who are fighting significant battles. Sometimes those people are even ourselves. Simple things like making eye contact, giving friendly nods, offering smiles, sharing supportive words, and using a kind tone of voice all matter... to everyone. Doing small acts of kindness matter. Being polite matters. Taking a moment to congratulate others on their achievements and their talents matters. Expressing gratitude matters. Sure, these things don't eradicate darkness, but they do help us notice that the light is there and whispering.

The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine. We're all on winding paths, and for many, our journeys will be through dark places. I don't have any definitive solutions, but I can promise all struggling people that I will try to do my part... for them, for us, and for me. Let us greet and hold each other in light, my friends.




Share

0 Comments

1/6/2016

#sorrynotsorry

0 Comments

Read Now
 
Emme's go-to reaction these days for any kind of direction or discipline is, "soooooooooorrrrry!" She apologizes when we tell her not to suck her thumb; when we ask her to put away her toys; when we tell her to eat; when we tell her to turn left, not right. You get the picture. Her sorry-ful nature has me troubled for a couple of reasons. First, those apologies aren't genuine, and that's obviously problematic. She's using "sorry" as a crutch to get away with things or to not listen.

But the second and bigger issue for me (and Mike) is that she is exhibiting what I call sorry girl behavior. Women tend to internalize "sorry" to the point that we spout it out like second nature. "Sorry" is an extension of the lessons society teaches women to not take up too much space, to not speak our minds, and to not exert our authority. Absent-mindedly communicating "sorry" as a polite way to express sympathy with another person's misfortune means that women find ourselves perpetually in a pitiable state. That's not a good thing. 

I want to raise a polite child so that she grows up to be a polite adult. There is too much uncivil behavior in the world, which inevitably leads to too many desires to punch other people in the face. But there's a difference between being empathetic and polite and being a sorry sack of apologies. Teaching the subtleties of being nice without falling into the trope of raising a "nice girl" ain't easy. 

Here's our current strategy: the only reason to say "I'm sorry" is in response to causing actual damage or harm to another person or their property. 

If the kiddo stomps on my toe (i.e., hurts me) because she's not paying attention to the world around her, "I'm sorry" is an appropriate response. If she spills milk on my book (i.e., damages my property), she can apologize away. If we tell her to go upstairs and she doesn't, that's not a cause for sorrow. The better response is merely "ok," and then to follow instructions. Ditto for not turning off the TV after PAW Patrol ends, for leaving her toys cluttered on the coffee table, for being slow to brush her teeth at night. Those are personal responsibility issues, not circumstances of sympathy with another's distress. 

A big part of the reason why this concept is so hard to teach is not really the abstract nature of sympathy, but rather because I am GUILTY AS CHARGED. I say "I'm sorry" for everything. A few minutes ago, I inadvertently apologized because the internet is sluggish today. If someone tells me they got hung up at the DMV, I'll usually say I'm sorry. But the kicker is that I'm not - I'm not sorry. I am deferring to a filler word because I'm too lazy to come up with the right ones. For the internet situation, I should say, "Please hang on a second - the internet is slow today." Those words acknowledge not only the inconvenience of waiting, but also the fact that I'm not actually the one clogging up the intertubes. For the DMV convo, I should say, "Ugh - that's frustrating. I hope that they were able to help you without too much of a wait." That statement identifies and sympathizes with the other person's discomfort in a much more meaningful and precise way. 

I doubt that our current parenting strategy is the be all and end all of sorry girl language elimination. We'll see after I try to live by the rule myself. I'm hoping that at the very least we'll recoup benefits from being conscious of our language choices (communication FTW!). I know that the kiddo models her behavior to some degree after what she sees me do. She needs to hear me say "I'm sorry" less, and I'm going to do my best to use better language that doesn't short-circuit my prerogative to move about the world unburdened with sorrow. And if I mess up, I won't be sorry about it. I'll simply resolve to do better, and move on.

Share

0 Comments

1/4/2016

O Christmas Tree

0 Comments

Read Now
 
Weird title for an after-Christmas/after-New Year's blog post, right? Well, as I mentioned in my last post, I love after-Christmas bargain shopping. This year I hit up Michael's, and stocked up on some cheap-irific Deco Mesh with the intention on creating a front porch Christmas tree whimsical bonanza. Or something like that. Consider this a tutorial in case you too bought some craft supplies at a deep discount. You'll thank yourself next Christmas, I promise.

[Side note: Sometimes bloggers DIY in their really pretty home studios. Sometimes they edit their pictures. Sometimes they manipulate stuff to create the allure of a highly styled publication. I don't do those things (except add snow to my pictures. Snow makes everything look prettier). All of the following pictures were taken in my post-Christmas-almost-post-apocalyptic dining room. It was and is still a gigantic mess. But I did have a super cute helper!]
Step 1. Gather what you've got. Buy what you don't.
In my case, I already had some old tomato cages and a garden urn that I could repurpose. If you don't have those things, you'll need to buy them. You'll also need some wire twisty thingies (I bought a wire garland on the Deco Mesh aisle), some ribbon, lights if you want them, and some kind of topper (that required a second trip to Michael's because, try as I might, I can't make a decent looking bow). ​
Picture
Step 2. Jam the tomato cage into your urn, and tie the top pieces together with some twine-ish/wire-ish stuff. ​
My tomato cage perfectly fit into the urn. That's serendipity right there. I also spotted a piece of gardening wire on another tomato cage in the pile in the backyard, so I swiped that to tie the top pieces together. Worked like a charm.
Picture
Step 3. Add twisty ties in random places, or wrap the tomato cage with wire garland. Then cut the Deco Mesh into roughly 10x10-inch squares, or 12x12-inch, or 10x12-inch.
​
Really, this isn't an exact science. Just try to make pieces square- or rectangle-like.

Picture
Step 4. Smush the edges of the Deco Mesh toward the middle of each piece. Then stack two pieces of Deco Mesh to make a plus sign shape (+).  Put pieces on tree and secure with twisty ties.
​
Repeat a bunch of times. Fill in any gaps with more mesh. 
Picture
Picture
 Step 5. Decorate, and voila! (Photo was edited to add snow, 'cause whimsy.)

Step 6. Store the tree in your basement, attic or garage until next year.
​You'll see it, smile and say, "Oh Yeah!" and then feel the merriment seeping into your veins. It'll be legend... wait for it! ... dary! Happy new year friends!

Share

0 Comments
Details

    Archives

    June 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    November 2014
    August 2014
    June 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    August 2011

    Categories

    All
    #cafedavis
    #charityandphil
    DIY
    #dogoodery
    #featherednest
    Freebies
    #goodbehavior
    #gooddays
    #gooddirt
    #goodlife
    #goodliving
    #goodnews
    #goodtimes
    #goodweek
    Infographic
    #overcomingadversity
    Printables
    Tutorial
    Upcycle

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • Home
  • About
  • Blog
  • Podcasts
  • Play Along
  • Printables
  • Goodery
    • good dirt
    • good living
    • good behavior
    • good news
    • good times
    • do-goodery
  • Store