This happened to me this weekend. I was at a meal with a group of people who all work in the same industry. They talked "shop talk" the entire meal, and really made no effort to acknowledge that industry outsiders were at the table. There were no overtures to find common ground and pursue conversational topics that everyone could participate in. The "outsiders" sat silently throughout the meal, left with a satisfied appetite, but still felt as if there were certainly better ways to spend an hour. 

How could this meal have been better? If you're ever in a situation like this, how can you make everyone feel more at ease?

1. Pay attention to cues. When an outsider began talking to an insider about their hometown, it was a cue that they were looking for a way to interject themselves. Make space for them.
2. Just plain listen. I see this all the time - a "listener" so eager to get to a pause so they can jump in and tell their story. That's not listening. That's timing. The speaker is usually aware that this is going to happen. They rush through their story, merely trying to get it out before they get interrupted. That's no fun.
3. Be sensitive. I don't mean this in the sense of picking out topics that are lovey dovey rainbows and cute puppy dogs. Rather, you should be sensitive to the identity and feelings of the people in the conversation. For example, while gossip is a whole different bag of worms, being sensitive means that you don't gossip in such a way that puts other conversational participants in a tight spot. Or, for another example, don't go on and on about your big new house if some people in the group may be having a hard time paying their rent. Try to put yourself in other people's shoes, and choose topics accordingly.
4. Don't be boring. Good conversations are engaging. People laugh. They smile. If you've been monopolizing the conversation; if it's a one-on-one in the middle of a table of 6; if no one is making eye contact, chances are good that others are bored. Change the subject or give someone else a turn.  

Remember, practice makes perfect. Not all conversations are going to soar, and that may not be the fault of the conversationalists at all. Chemistry matters. But we can all try to do just a little bit better. You have nothing to lose, and maybe new friends to gain. 

We all know the correct answer is "please," and not "abracadbra," although it's true that  no one has ever managed to pull a rabbit out of a hat merely by asking it nicely to cooperate (rabbit and toddler negotiations are likely similar in that regard). The reason that "please" is the magic word really comes down to respect. By saying "please," we show that we are requesting an action by another person for our benefit. Saying "please" is a way of asking permission to infringe on someone else's time and/or resources. Sure, the askee (if that's a word) can say "no," but a nicely used "please" can certainly increase your odds for a "yes." And of course, I am sure that you're already well-mannered enough to know that you must say "thank you," either way the cards fall. Showing appreciation for an action, or even for consideration, makes future magical moments MUCH more likely. 

I promise. It works. 

Emily Post is the beloved maven of etiquette and manners, but even as she acknowledged, the two concepts aren't necessarily synonymous. A quote attributed to Post sums this up well:

Manners are about empathy, whereas etiquette is one’s ability to conform to particular social mores and expectations. Both have their place in a civil society, but being well-mannered is really about relationships and social awareness. Manners require you to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, such that you act first and foremost to minimize or prevent social discomfort. Being well-mannered means being prosocial, a term that child psychologists Nancy Eisenberg, Richard Fabes, and Tracy Spinrad* define as meaning "voluntary behavior intended to benefit another." 

And of course, I’ll tell you if your dress is stuck in your pantyhose.